On Friday night we had the chance to get away to our favorite restaurant in Dallas to celebrate another year. We love going this restaurant. They treat you like royalty and make a really big deal out of your anniversary. They brought us a piece of wedding cake on the house to share after our main course. I don't know what they put in that cake but it's the best cake in the whole world. As we ate it I laughed. I looked at Jeff and said "Remember last year when we were eating this and had not a care in the world and no idea what was directly before us?" He laughed too. "If we had only known..."
This is not a boast-post where I talk about how we have the world's most beautiful marriage. I feel like with social media sometimes people feel like they need to put on a front to make their life, their kids, their marriage, jobs, vacations etc look like they're flawless. Well that's lying folks. The truth is there are challenges. Sometimes things aren't cute.
This year Jeff and I have learned about each other in a whole new way. We've been forced to grow in ways we were not comfortable growing in. We have seen each other incredibly weak and incredibly strong within rather short periods of time. We have cried, hard. We have prayed together with quiet cracking voices through tears over our child before he went in for heart surgery. We've taken a scary ER trip when P had chest pains. We've taken turns staying awake by P's bedside at night in the congenital heart surgery unit so neither of us would have to leave P. We felt stronger together. We've watched P's eyes roll back in to his head together. We've received good news and horrible news together. We have learned in a whole new way how we each handle stress, sadness, fear, anger and hope. The funny thing about strong emotions in marriage is that they don't effect one person, they effect two. I am thankful for his strong arms that have wrapped around when I've grieved. I know that the Lord has wrapped His arms around us both during those times.
When I agreed to go out on a date with Jeff when I was 17 and he was 19 I don't think we thought ahead to what our life would be twelve years later. It didn't take us long to figure out we loved each other and it was God's will for us to marry. But if someone had come up to us on our wedding day and said "Congrats you two. Life has bumps and potholes along the way. Those hazards are going to affect your life and marriage. Oh, and by the way you're going to have a child born with a broken heart who will need heart surgery. He's also going to have other special needs as well. Hold on to your hats young'ens. You're not going to get through your first decade of marriage without going down a rocky road." the 21 year old me would have shoo'ed them out of our wedding celebration. On your wedding day you just assume that this is "happily ever after" and that from that point on life will be just that and nothing else.
That's not life, and that's not marriage.
I looked at some statistics on the internet and from what I gathered from various resources I found couples of children with special needs have divorce rates as high as 85%. Yes you read that right: eighty-five-percent. Heartbreaking.
It's sad, and may be hard to fathom. A year ago I would have thought that was a ridiculous statistic. Now this part makes me sad to admit about myself, this time last year I may have even judged the people who were part of the eighty-five percent. But now I can look at it and say, yeah I can totally see that happening.
Marriage takes work. Everyone knows that. There's no such thing as a perfect person and we have to work at loving each other in spite of our faults and failures daily. There are some days we are more in love with each other than others. (Again, I apologize if this is rocking anyone's world or shattering their fairy tale image of marriage but I'm being truthful.) There is nothing not-stressful about having an ill or special needs child. Even when you intentionally seek to find and rejoice in the blessings, there are still some hard times. So you're weak from the full time job of caring for this child and you're in a growing relationship with someone else who is equally as weak from doing the exact same thing. I can see why this doesn't work more times than it does.
I am thankful for our marriage. I am thankful for our seventh year. I am thankful that the Lord has held us through this year. I am thankful that He has put people in our life that keep us accountable and remind us of the big picture. Year seven for sure had a different share of challenges than many couples' seventh year. We were just too tired and busy to deal with the "itch" of year seven. We were busy with hospitals and doctors and learning about this new world that we, as a married couple with our child - our family unit - had been thrust in to. I'm thankful that even as a couple who many thought were kind of young to be getting married, we made an intentional choice to base our marriage on the Lord. We had no idea how important that base, that foundation would be this year.
I learned some new things about Jeff this year. Maybe I relearned some things. Probably both. I learned that one of the ways God made us to compliment each other is Jeff's ability to organize and lead me and P. Quite literally lead me and P. I still can't find my way around the hospital. I never realized how close P's cardiologist and surgeon's offices are. I just always followed Jeff through what felt like a maze. He also had a folder and file made up of all of P's papers. So thankful for that. I'm not as organized as I would like to be. I also appreciate Jeff making me feel like I'm not over guessing or over analyzing things. I appreciate his support of me in everything that I do. I appreciate him sacrificing things that he would like to have so we can pay outrageous therapy co-pays and hospital bills etc. I appreciate him being a rock, even when he probably would rather not be because it is such a large responsibility. I appreciate having a friend on this journey. My best friend. I don't think we've ever laughed or cried so much in one year. What a blessing it has been not to have to do this alone.
We were too busy growing and clawing through life to itch this year.
I'm sure this won't be our only trial -- again, life is hard. I hope that someday I'll be able to give perspective from someone who has been married for 67 years, not just 7! I am thankful to be on this journey with you. I love you Jeff Hale.
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| Not the best picture of us, but I cherish it all the same! |
